Columnists, Samara (Love) and Caroline (Life) are both expert in their fields and have advice and answers to questions you will like to hear the answers to every Wednesday. They’re honest, straight shooting and have some great advice. Sit back, enjoy, tune in every week and send your questions for them to firstname.lastname@example.org!
I am madly in love with this gorgeous guy but there is one thing that bothers me about him. He was in a two year relationship with another man when he was 25 (he’s 35 now) but
he says he’s been dating only women since then. He is incredible in every way, but sometimes he can get a little too kinky in bed. Should I just chalk this all up to being a part of his personality or do I have to worry about him swinging back the other way if I don’t go along with everything he likes to do? Besides that, I am still bothered that he was bi- sexual. How can I deal with this – any advice?
Straight as an Arrow
Dear Super Straight Woman,
Please please please do not put pressure on yourself to “keep him straight.” Not only is it not your job, it’s not possible. You can’t control his urges and—technically—neither can he. What he can control is not acting on urges and you can control being open with him about your fears.
Put it out there and say to him, “If you feel a strong desire to be with men again, will you please speak with me about it?” While the thought of that conversation might make you queasy, discomfort is better than dishonesty.
I encourage you to establish boundaries—be clear about what you are and are not willing to do. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to please your man but not at your own peril. I assure you that plenty of heterosexual men who like kinky sex and many of them like canal sex, too (take away the c and you’ll know what I’m talking about—we try to keep things rated PG around here). I don’t think his desire for those things indicates he’s on the verge of swinging back.
As for being bothered by his bi-sexuality. It was what it was. If you’re confident in his present-day attraction toward you and his honesty, you’re in a good place.
LOVE COLUMNIST: SAMARA O’SHEA
Samara O’Shea is the author of Loves Me…Not: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in the Face of Unrequited Love. She has written for Marie Claire and The Huffington Post.Samara is currently pursuing a master’s degree in social work at Temple University with the end goal of becoming a licensed clinical social worker and having her own therapy practice. Stop by and say hi at SamaraOShea.com.
I am 25 and have recently gained 45 pounds. I eat out of frustration and boredom and when I commit to go on a diet and the gym, I can’t seem to stick with it. This is affecting my entire life and I feel like I cannot date because I feel so bad about the way I look. How can I stick to a diet?
Fat with no will power in Florida
Dear Fat In Florida,
I have to say; I don’t know a single woman out there who likes to exercise or falls in love with her body without a little work. Unless you’re Jennifer Aniston, circa now, none of this starts out feeling good. Until you get in your groove, that is! There are a lot of ways to tackle this and lets start by giving you props for making it through this dastardly winter, where the cave woman within you did her job in eating and sleeping. You’re a survivor!
Notice that your body has served you well despite your feelings of how you look. It kept you safe and functioning and that is nothing to scoff at! So for every woman skinny, fat, short, or tall, applaud yourselves for just making it through this day with that rockin’ bod that’s workin’ for you!
Lets acknowledge that your health and weight are largely based in your decision to maintain it, and to that end, here are some go-to suggestions to kick-start a healthy diet: start your day with a glass of lemon water and get some breakfast into your system. It can be oatmeal with fruit and an egg, miso soup with veggies, or a fruit and veggie smoothie with almond milk. Make sure to have a bit of Greek yogurt throughout the day to keep your gut healthy, and don’t skimp on the veggies from breakfast on. They should be 50 percent of what you consume.
Really, none of this is about dieting so much as eating better, moving more, and listening to your body. Give yourself a break. Food is meant to be enjoyed so don’t set yourself up for failure. Notice when you eat and ask why? Jot it down in your journal, and sit with the things that are surfacing for you while you eat. Lookin’ good means loving your whole self.
In addition to cutting back carbs and sugar, not out, just back, get a buddy to go to the gym with you. You are 10 times more likely to stick with it. And remember, in 30 days you will have formed a habit, so stick with it. Get a subscription to SELF and get motivated. Last and most importantly, no matter what size you are, you won’t feel good about yourself until you show yourself some love. So make a point every day to stand in front of the mirror, grab hold of those parts of you that you dislike most and say out loud, “I love you”. Change your thoughts, change your bod. People are never looking at you and thinking of you, they are thinking of themselves.
So, keep your eyes in your own lane, and get movin’ more. You will feel better!
Caroline Wales is a Certified Holistic Life Coach and a PhD candidate in the field of Transpersonal Clinical Psychology. Her focus is in helping individuals learn to identify their strengths and to utilize tools and skills in coping with whatever life throws their way. Caroline’s philosophy is that with the practice of intention and the desire to go deeper, coaching can help provide insight into recognizing one’s own personal power, and to teach individuals how to tune into the body-mind, energy, and spirit, as a practice of loving and supporting oneself.