Samara O'Shea, love columnist

Dear Samara,

I am a gay guy in love with my straight best friend who has a wife and two kids. The thing is he is in love with me too, but he is straight. How do we figure this out? Can a guy be straight and in love with a guy?

Tangled up in You


Dear Tangled,

No. A straight man cannot be in love with a man. A bisexual man can be and a gay man who feigns being heterosexual for the sake of appearances can be. But a straight man cannot be.

I’m not convinced, however, that your friend is either bisexual or a closeted gay man. You say “He’s in love with me, too” but you sound unsure. Has he confessed his romantic love to you? If not, where do you get the idea from? It’s easy—oh so easy—to assign meaning to small gestures a man makes when you have strong feelings for him. Trust me, I know. 

If he has told you that he has feelings for you, then talk to him about where this can reasonably go. Is he willing to leave his wife and children? Would you want him to?  

Alas, I’m guessing that he hasn’t confessed to you. Because why would you be talking to me? In this case, you have two choices:

1)      Accept that it’s not going to happen and start the process of moving on.

2)      Tell him how you feel.

Know that if you go with option 2, you risk your friendship. If your feelings are eating you alive, however, do what you have to do.

I recommend that you choose between these options. Don’t live in limbo and continue to gather “evidence” that he loves you. If you’re looking for a sign, you’ll find one—whether it’s really there or not. Fish or cut bait.

For your consideration: Here is an advice column by Dan Savage in which he highlights many possible scenarios when gay men have feelings for straight men. 


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* The ideas and advice presented here are not a substitute for professional advice. Talk to your psychologist, counselor, physician or health care professional for situations that warrant further analysis.